Dear Karen,
I am a 25 year old woman whom has just entered, what I feel, is my first serious adult relationship. I swear, if you put all of my
ideal qualities into a blender, you would have come up with this man…he’s intelligent, caring, trustworthy, passionate about
traveling and cross-cultural misadventures same as me (we were both teachers in Japan), and he treats me like, in his words,
“the sun shines out of my *rse.” I genuinely love him. There is nothing about him that I wouldn’t be able to deal with today,
tomorrow or 20 years from now (as far as I can tell), and we both feel very similarly about each other. Currently, our relationship is
long distance while I’m working out a way to move so that we can be closer together (by applying to grad school).
The issue lies here: I have a GIANT phobia of opening up to men. My first major relationship was with a man when I was very young.
I was only 15, and he was 18. It lasted on and off for 4 years and, honestly, I wouldn’t even credit this as a “serious” relationship because of
my age at the time, if it weren’t for the fact that SO much transgressed in those 4 years. It was textbook abusive. I was abused by my father,
and continuously brutalized by my brother, and so I treated him as a refuge in which to hide on and off until I went away to college on my own.
What I failed to realize at the time, was that my boyfriend was ten times worse than any other man I’ve met to date. I didn’t
even put a term to describe the behavior until he raped me at age 19, and gave me an STD. When I went to therapy afterwards, and discussed
all the things that happened (being beaten, slapped, forced to do humiliating things and wear humiliating clothes, and eat/act in certain ways),
did I put phrases like “sexual assault” and “domestic violence” into my vocabulary.
Needless to say, since then, I’ve been very cautious upon entering relationships. In between this one I am currently in, and that first one, I
was in several smaller less meaningful relationships that, in retrospect, I see really meant nothing at all to me. I’ve been single for nearly 4 years up
until my current boyfriend…and find it indescribably difficult to open up to him. He knows about the rape and the STD, but he does not know
about everything that led up to it…including events that transpired between the male members of my family and I. I still have nightmares about
things that have happened. I can’t watch scenes of rape in movies or on TV. Sometimes, I disappear without telling him where I go for several
days at a time…and being long distance at the moment, this is especially cruel. I get very sensitive to comments about women being “illogical”
or “overly sensitive.” As I feel these are just cop outs and, irregardless of the the joking nature in which they may have been said, really p*ss me off.
I suppose that part of the reason why I get cold, is because I miss him so much, and it hurts that we cannot be together right now.
I feel like I’m hurting the relationship, but I don’t know how to stop. I feel like he’s the kind of person who would listen if I asked him to,
but I also feel like opening up about how much all of this still affects me would label me as a basket case, and perhaps cause him to worry more
about me than necessary. I don’t want him to see me as weak.
My question is this: Is there a point of no return, when someone has been hurt so much that they cannot engage in a normal relationship with another
human being? Sometimes, I feel like, no matter how far I’ve come since that naive little girl so long ago, I am still struggling to deal with the things that
happened…and I can’t be all happy-go-lucky. And I just get stuck in this rut.
Thank you,
Anonymous.
Okay, sometimes I think that there is a point of no return where people can’t engage in a normal relationship because we see it all around us. People become murderers and rapists and I would pretty much bet that no one who has had a happy and secure childhood ends up this way. However my belief is this. EVERYONE has a choice, to choose evil and to destroy their own lives and the lives of others OR to choose the right path, which by the way, you are already on.
You have been through horrendous trauma and yet you have managed to break the cycle by finding a wonderful and caring man. Many women go from one abusive relationship to another. I think that you can really make this relationship work. It will be hard for you but I truly believe that you can do it. Your letter really touched me and shows how much you want to recover and have a healthy relationship.
You have opened up to him a certain amount telling him about the abusive relationship, which it seems he understood. I don’t know whether or not you have contact with your Father and brother anymore but my bet would be that your boyfriend would understand. It’s quite a lot to keep to yourself but having said that it will be difficult for him to hear. If you need to tell him, then I think you should tell him.
If this man is really wonderful then you need to think really hard about the ways in which you sabotage the relationship. Deep down you may not believe you deserve this relationship because of the abuse that you have suffered by the men who should have cared for you the most. But you DO deserve this relationship. DON’T do disappearing acts. They are very hard to be on the receiving end of. Don’t be cruel to him. Care for him as you want him to care for you. Make a list of all the damaging behaviour that you do when you become scared or fragile so that you can recognise it and STOP when you feel it happening. My feeling is that the more you open up to him, the easier this will become because instead of acting out your fear, you can talk about it. You’ve broken the cycle so don’t ruin it. Tell him you don’t want him to see you as weak. Tell him you don’t want him to see you as a basket case, and remember that he already loves you. You’ve been through an enormous amount. You’d be odd if it DIDN’T affect you.
I’m really pleased that you can recognise a good man when you see one and that you haven’t tarred them all with the same brush. By the same token, wonderful men are not everywhere (I can vouch) and if you love each other then trust in it.
However, if it doesn’t work out, you have to trust in that too. Everything happens for a reason. I really believe this. I don’t know what you do, but perhaps you could help those who have been through similar experiences to you. This might make more sense of it for you. Just a suggestion.
By the way, there is a school of thought that says a separation such as yours can be very healthy for a relationship. It tests a couple and lets them know if they really want to be together.
Finally I want to say that it may also be a good idea (if it’s possible) for you to have some more therapy. I’m sure you will be dealing with your past for a long time. I hope you can.
Your letter was beautiful and I really believe that you want a good relationship, and that means you will.
Love Karen
