Will he ever commit to me?
Dear Karen,
I met this guy about 18 months ago at a friends party, and we hit it off straight away. There was so much chemistry between us and we spent near to the whole summer arranging meets and talking/texting. We still keep in touch now, but the thing is he’s literally killing my emotions. We were so close and every time we spent together was so magical, I looked forward to seeing him for days and would smile so much after. But, he’s quite honestly the most iciest person I know when it comes to expressing yourself. He says its becasue he’s been hurt in the past and finds it hard to open up to people, but after this long of knowing eachother its clear its something more.
Every time we met up, it would be weeks before we’d see eachother again, because his job requires alot of travelling around. If i had it my way we’d have been together so much more, but he never seemed interested. Yet he’d always find a way of making me feel like a complete princess, telling me how much he’s missed me and he just wants to see me because he loves me. But he’s so tempremental. He always lets me down right before we meet up or acts really cold afterwards, but still texts me wanting to see me again and telling me he cares about me. The horrible thing is i’ll always let him get away with it cos im so in love with him.
I dont know what to do. Maybe I’m wasting my time. I don’t think he’ll ever fully commit to me as he says he doesn’t have time. Like I said before, the industry he’s in requires him to be on the road alot touring Europe.
Please help me, i’m so stuck and feel so so alone. I really need some advice
Chantal xxxx
Hi Chantal,
This sounds really painful and I’m sorry you are going through it. What is clear from your letter is that he holds all the power and that never makes for a healthy relationship. I had a relationship just like this many years ago. In fact I could have written your letter then. Everything was always on his terms and he travelled all the time but when he was around he made me feel like the only woman alive. From my experience, the problem lies with both parties. He just wasn’t capable of a healthy, committed relationship at the time and I was prepared to put up with what he had to offer.
So what I will say is this. We all have choices and you can take control of this situation and therefore your life. I know it feels like you can’t but you can. If you don’t want a relationship like this then you have the choice not too. If you want a committed relationship with a warm man who can express himself then you can have it, but not while you are in this one. I know it sounds as though I am not understanding the strength of your feelings towards him but I do. I also know that he is not giving you what you need.
I know he always wants to see you again and that he texts but deep down I think you know your feelings are stronger.
He sounds afraid of intimacy, whether it’s because he has been hurt before I don’t know, but if you make him feel secure which it sounds like you do, then he should be able to grow. Try to get him to open up and be honest with him about your needs. Why should it all be on his terms? Also be honest with yourself. If you really believe he will never commit to you and commitment is what you want then you are going to cause yourself a lot more pain.
Chemistry is very powerful but what is more important is friendship, respect, trust and intimacy. Those are things that need to be developed for a good relationship.
My healthiest relationships have been the ones that didn’t involve drama and pain and they do exist.
You will be learning something from this relationship, even if it’s just about what you will or won’t put up with in the future. You can find someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them and where you feel secure and in control. I promise.
Be your own person and get what you want and need too.
Love Karen
